Archive for June 2008
Kingdom Vision
Wednesday night bible study – thank you Lord. I love being in church. I love how I feel and just want that feeling to last forever. When I walk out of the chapel I have a smile of my face a mile wide, my spirit is peaceful, calm and full of joy. I don’t have a care in the world. My problems are a million miles away and they don’t really belong to me because I have released them all to Him.
Tonight we had a guest minister. To the naked eye he was a slim Billy Graham; with the spiritual ear and eye he was the Lord’s servant through and through. From the minute he started speaking until the end of the evening I was mesmerized. I couldn’t stop nodding, my spirit was in complete agreement with the Word, the scriptures read like a story. I had complete understanding. It was like he was speaking totally to me.
I have been asking questions about how to deepen my relationship with the Lord. I want His will to be revealed to me and I want to know what He would have me do. Tonight I heard Him loud and clear. I got a lot of answers. I have a starting point and that’s a lot more than I had before the service.
Tonight’s sermon was based on Luke 17: 20 & 21 – “And when he was demanded of the Pharises, when the kingdom of God should come, he answered them and said, The kingdom of God cometh not with observation: Neither shall they say, Lo here! or, lo there! for, behold, the kingdom of God is within you.”
The kingdom of God is within each one of us! We have to establish kingdom territory wherever we go – home, work, car; everywhere. We are the kingdom of God.
In Romans 14:17 – “For the kingdom of God is not meat and drink; but righteousness, and peace, and joy in the Holy Ghost.”
Amen! Righteousness is right standing before God.
Daniel 1:8 - “But Daniel purposed in his heart that he would not defile himself with the portion of the king’s meat…” He purposed in his heart not to compromise his beliefs. Daniel was a Jew through and through and nothing was going to come between him and God. Not even the king’s new decree. Daniel 6:10 – “Now when Daniel knew that the writing was signed, he went into his house…he kneeled upon his knees three times a day, and prayed, and gave thanks before his God, as he did aforetime.”
He had been taught at an early age to pray three times a day; to meditate on God’s law day and night and he lived it and was blessed by it to excel in his life by being second in command.
We don’t need to conform to the world but transform through the Word of God. We need to excel in the world in everything that we do as God’s followers. We need to become disciplined in spending time with Him in his Word, in prayer and supplication and in service to our fellow man.
Meditate on the Word, get on your knees and spend face time with the Lord. Let Him reveal his purpose for you.
Daniel 2:34-35 & 44 – “…God is cutting out a stone (building up an army of Christians) that will smote the great idols of the world and fill the whole earth; 44 – “And in the days of of these kings shall the God of heaven set up a kingdom, which shall never be destroyed:… and it shall stand for ever.”
Revelation 11:15 – We know the end even before it gets here! “We will win the battle…the kingdoms of this world are become the kingdoms of our Lord, and of his Christ; and he shall reign for ever and ever”
I brought the CD. I’ve listened to it twice. Today was one of the best I’ve had in a while. I’m setting a goal to purpose my life much like Daniel. I want to be closer to the Lord so that the feelings I have on Sunday and Wednesday will be with me Sunday through Saturday and my thirst for his Word will be unquenchable.
I am at the crossroads and I’m ready to move forward. I wonder where this path will lead.
Add comment June 26, 2008
My worst nightmare
I awake, the house is quiet. We have all overslept. I go from room to room waking everyone, wishing them a cheery good morning and then head downstairs to summon the queen.
I smell it before I hit the bottom step. The distinct odor of alcohol and a sweat. My misguided son has made it home safely. I sigh with relief and tiptoe back to his “crib” just to get a glimpse of him. I peer around the corner and see that he’s passed out cold, a big bundle under the covers so I tiptoe back down the hall and arouse the queen. After a few minutes of prodding and cajoling she starts to stir so I leave her room with the intentions of heading back upstairs to hit the shower. I am stopped cold in my tracks.
What kind of bottle is that by the end of the couch and what are those gold things lying beside it? I walk over to get a closer look. It’s a empty bottle of Merlot and two unused condoms. I gasp and quickly look around to make sure no one has come down the stairs and that the queen is still in her room. I grab the bottle, condoms and glass and head back to his crib. No tiptoeing this time. I’m ready for war. I turn on the light and step all the way into the room and nothing prepares me for the shock I get when I realize that big bundle is from two people, not one. I yank the covers back exposing two clothed people. Him and a girl I can’t put a name or face to because I’m not wearing my glasses and secondly because all I’m seeing now is RED!
I smack his leg, his foot and call his name. He mumbles incoherently and I continue to hit his foot until one eye opens and the cobwebs of alcohol start to clear from his mind. He is frozen with fear and can’t speak. The girl has awakened and is looking at me like a deer in headlights. I ask her name, her age and if her parents know where she is. I am furious. I don’t remember what I say but I walk out the room, pass the queen and upstairs to hit the shower.
I get dressed all the while I’m still fuming but I’m trying hard not to give in to my desire to completely go off because the girls are here and I don’t want to alarm them. Finally, I can’t take it anymore. I go back downstairs, back to the room, flip on the light that I think I turned off when stomping out of the room (old habits…) and wake them again – can you believe they went back to sleep!?! I tell the girl to get up, make a phone call to get a ride from my house. I warn her that if I see her in spitting distance of my house again I will call the police to come and get her. I tell my son to get up and disappear for a couple of days because right now I don’t want to see his face much less hear anything he has to say.
Feeling a little better that part of the situation is resolved I head back upstairs and finish getting ready to go. The queen can tell there is something wrong. She thinks she knows what is going on but she really has no clue the extent of my fury. I ask her to keep her thoughts and opinions to herself as she is talking under her breath and the girls can hear her. We lock eyes across the room and I guess she makes the connection because she quickly shuts her mouth and proceeds to get everything together and out the door.
I’ve dropped everyone off and I’m heading to work. My brain is FRIED. I can’t think of a prayer much less utter a word. I’m driving in a stupefied haze. What in the world has gone wrong. Why can’t this child get it through his head that it is our home, that his sisters and mom live here and that his friends have no business in my house much less drinking and sleeping over without my knowledge! Drinking is not acceptable. Spending the night is out of the question. Doing it behind my back – reckless and cause for eviction in my book!
So what does one do with this child that has no job, no car, no prospects of a steady job and absolutely no common sense?!? God help me please!!!! Just as I think I’m about to lose it, the alarm goes off, I fumble around trying to find it and hit the snooze button. I am awake. Thank goodness it was only a dream or should I say nightmare.
Add comment June 25, 2008
The dawning of a new day
I dread Monday mornings. Not because its the beginning of the work week but because it’s the end of my sense of control. As your typical type A personality I like to be in control of my life and where things are going.
No, I’m not from Mars, although that might explain why my life is anything but easy… but Saturday and Sunday are my days to decided who, what, when, where, and how according to my whims. Monday through Friday my life is behested by my job, my kids and this thing called responsibilities (in other words my so called life). My daily routine is just that – routine. We get up at the same time each morning, have the same disagreements every morning (I don’t want to wear that, I don’t want that for lunch, I don’t want to go to the Y or the babysitters) and every evening (why do we have to go home now, can’t we stay a little longer, I don’t want that for dinner, I don’t want to go to bed). See the pattern. There are days when I feel the same way ( I don’t want to get up, I don’t want to go to work, I don’t want to pay the bills, go to the grocery store, gas station or the pharmacy). But no matter how I FEEL or what I THINK I always give in to the practical side of myself, suck up the whining and do it because it is my lot in life.
Now don’t get me wrong. I love my life, I love my kids but I hate my job and all the responsibility that comes with it and raising my kids by myself. Sometimes I want to just hand over the reins to someone else and say, “you do the driving for awhile.” Unfortunately, I’ve never been able to do that. Instead, I’ve been the one to take over the reins from others and drive their lives while they have had moments when they needed to “find themselves”, take a break or just plain give up and shrug off the responsibility.
For me it’s what comes natural. I am a nurturer. It is in my blood. Seriously, I NEED to be NEEDED. I am definitely best supporting actor material. I give my best performances when assisting others to reach their dreams, hopes and desires. Their success is tantamount to my success and thus my life has meaning. I was never a dreamer. I didn’t have grandiose ideas of fame or fortune; those bubbles burst even before they could be plucked out of the bottle on the end of the wand.
Right now I’m at a crossroad and I don’t have a clue which way to go, what lies ahead on any of the paths stretched out before me and very little faith in myself to make the right decision. In other words, I’m floundering. Definitely not something easily admitted by us Type A’s.
I don’t like my job and I’m not sure that this is where I need to be right now other than for financial reasons because there is no joy, no sense of supporting or the need to nurture. This is an environment of individuality; each person is an island that occasionally come together to celebrate birthdays or babies but otherwise keep to themselves. I’m not thriving, I feel like I’m withering on the vine.
This is definitely not where I need to be but I’m frozen in my tracks. Scared to venture out and see what else might be out there because of fear. Fear of failure – making the wrong choice like w/my marriage. Fear of rejection – I’m pretty fragile in that department right now. In all honesty, I’m an emotional wreck. I don’t trust myself to be reasonable about letters of rejection, etc. so I’m avoiding putting myself in a position to suffer through it. But the biggest fear is of the unknown.
I don’t know where start, where to look, what kind of job to look for or how to even begin to figure it out. I just know that I need to do something to change my outlook on each day as I get up and step out into the world to make a contribution in the community I live in.
I keep looking for a sign; praying for revelation. I know that each of us has a calling on our life, something that He has prepared us for. Purpose. Direction. Insight please!!! I hate to admit it but maybe I’m a little dense when it comes to “sensing” or “hearing” what is being told to me. Maybe I need it to be spelled out a little more plainly or maybe I’m searching for something a lot more difficult than what is actually being asked of me. I mean my life has never been easy so why would I assume that He has some easy calling for me. I’m a fighter. I thrive under stress and strain and do some of my best work when I’m flying by the seat of my pants. My supporting role personality has always been my greatest attribute along with my compassion, empathy, nurturing, eye for detail, teamplayer, hard working, quick to accept whatever assignment is required attitude. So what can all of that mean? What calling could encompass all of that?
What if there isn’t one? What if what He has in store for me is a complete 180 degree turn – can I handle it? Can I even fathom being able to take my life and change the way I’ve lived for the past 43 years? Can I step out into the unknown with complete faith that He will work it out?
I don’t know but I think I better start figuring it out before it’s too late.
Add comment June 23, 2008
Joy, joy, unspeakable joy
Sunday, my favorite day of the week but also one of the hardest. I love going to church, partaking of the spirit that is there and fellowshipping with the people but getting five girls ready for church on Sunday morning is no piece of cake. It doesn’t matter how much prep I do the night before something always happens to make me have to fuss, beg and plead to get out of the house in time to get to church before the nursery is closed. There are days when I wonder if it’s worth all the grief and aggravation I go through but once I get there I definitely feel like it is.
Another great thing about Sunday’s is that I get to take a nap; well sort of. If I don’t get to nap I at least get a couple of hours in my room uninterrupted (if there is such a thing). The idea gives me joy even if it doesn’t turn out that way.
Today’s service was about joy. The scriptures of reference were Psalm 100, Daniel 10:1-3, 12, 13, 20 & 21, Psalm 34 (the whole chapter w/emphasis on verse 8), Romans 8:28, Philippians 4:4 and 1Corninthians 13:1.
We need to have some joy in our faith. We have to believe God can do anything now while we are waiting for our blessings to happen, not when the blessing has come through. In my weakness is His strength. Oh taste and see the goodness of the Lord.
I felt my spirit totally embrace and accept the Word. Again this was another message tailored just for me. I needed this to reinforce, rejuvenate and reinvigorate myself. I took this message to heart and know that I need to focus on my blessings and not the trials I am currently going through. So much easier said than done but also a goal for me to reach consistently and carry it through.
The message isn’t new, so what’s the difference? Perhaps this time I’m further along in my walk than when previously heard. Perhaps I’m ready to take the message to heart and am more open to the idea of focusing on the good vs. the bad. I pray this is true because I need to change my focus.
As the day progressed and turned into evening I could feel the day start catching up with me. I didn’t get the nap or the uninterrupted time. I ended up taking the queen to church again this afternoon and upon returning home was thrown into the arena of mom, maid, referee, and cook. I was overwhelmed by it all. I was striking out left and right. They didn’t want spaghetti for dinner, they didn’t want to clean up the mess they made, they wanted to fight with each other and they didn’t want to listen to the referee (me). I just wanted to run to my room, close the door and have a good cry or scream fest. Instead I swallowed, took a few deep breaths and did my thing. They cleaned up their messes, stopped fighting, sat down and watched a movie while I prepare dinner. We had spaghetti and meatballs for dinner and there were no leftovers.
Bedtime is the worst time around here because there are so many variables at play. Trying to get all five down for the count is almost impossible. Yes, they get in bed but keeping them there is the thing. I have to go to the bathroom, I forgot to brush my teeth, I need to tell you something, I need a hug and on and on. By the time they all get to sleep I’m a volcano waiting to erupt. Tonight was no different and by the time the last one fell asleep I was walking around the house saying under my breath, ”I hate my life, I hate my life, I hate my life.”
At that time I meant it but now as I sit here writing this post my spirit has calmed down and I don’t hate it as much as I hate how things are. It is very hard and overwhelming raising six kids, each with their own set of issues (autism, asthma, ADD, behavior problems, etc.), as a single parent and survivor of domestic violence suffering from PTSD.
Add comment June 22, 2008
Cast your cares…
Psalm 55:22: Cast thy burden upon the Lord, and he shall sustain thee: (NKJV) Cast your burden on the Lord [releasing the weight of it] and He will sustain you; (Amplified)
Did you mean it? Is it really true? Can we just cast our cares on you and go on like nothing ever happened? If so, how do I do that? How do I stop the thoughts from going around and around and around? How do I stop the frustration from sending me catapulting to the edge of reason every time something goes wrong? How do I change my thought patterns after 43 years of programming?
I’m trying, I really am but it is hard. It just seems like the burdens (cares) come faster than I can release them. My frustration level is high which means that it is simmering just below the surface and it doesn’t take much to make it erupt and run over.
For the life of me I just don’t understand how you think I’m so strong that I can continue to stand up against all that the enemy is dishing out right now. Yet, at other times I can say the scripture and verse and truly embrace it.
1 Corinthians 10:13: God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it. (NIV)
But God is faithful [to His Word and to His compassionate nature], and He [can be trusted] not to let you be tempted and tried and assayed beyond your ability and strength of resistance and power to endure, but with the temptation He will [always] also provide the way out (the means of escape to [c]a landing place), that you may be capable and strong and powerful to bear up under it patiently. (Amplified)
I feel like Peter when they were in the ship and Christ came walking on the water and Peter asked to come to him yet he took his eyes off the master and started to sink.
Matthew 14:31: And immediately Jesus stretched out His hand and caught him, and said to him, “O you of little faith, why did you doubt?”(NKJV)
I wish I could keep my eyes trained fully on Him. I wish my faith was greater than a mustard seed but I am so undisciplined that I find it hard to keep my focus on Him when there are so many fires raging. If I could go to church every day I would because then I know that I would stay focused and built up in faith but if I miss a Sunday service or a Wednesday bible study then my whole week falls apart. I need to stay focused but I allow the world to crowd into my life and overtake things. I have tons of books to read, tapes to listen to and study guides to keep me going for a while but I lack the discipline to set aside time to read, ponder and pray and stick with it. I allow things to get me off track, problems to consume my thoughts and actions and depression to steal my energy.
Add comment June 21, 2008
Hello World!
Going through the valley is birthed out of the need to purge my mind of all the daily drama that is my life. I fluctuate between the deepest depths of despair and the highest heights of the Himalayas at any second, minute or hour of everyday.
The stuff written here will make you laugh, cry, scowl, shake your head in disbelief or inspire you to take the leap of faith and just do it. Live your life as He would have you because God knows I’m trying although at times I think I really suck at it!
No, this is not a work of fiction. This is not a reality blog. This is my life unscripted, unplanned and totally dependent on my faith in God to see me through this valley.
Add comment June 21, 2008
Saturday afternoon
4:00 on Saturday afternoon and I’m writing a post; the girls are watching TV (Little Bear), and the boy is downstairs watching a movie (scary). Sounds like a perfect day and it actually hasn’t been all that bad. My mind is just in a fog because there is so much that needs to be done but I really don’t feel like doing anything at all. I thought I would catch a nap when the girls went down but alas it was not in the cards because one little girl didn’t go down and for whatever reason my brain would not allow my body to get comfortable enough to doze off. I got up, put a load in the washer and the dryer and decided to create this blog.
I wanted to talk to someone but didn’t know who to call and wasn’t sure I really wanted a dialogue as much as I wanted to get a some things off my mind.
5:30 a.m. the alarm went off and I was determined to have prayer and scripture study so I immediately started praying that He would give me the desire and energy to get up and do it rather than hit snooze and go back to sleep. 50/50, I read the morning devotional, had a quick prayer and then laid back down to catch a few more z’s.
Thump, bump and umph, three little girls were on top of me demanding breakfast… get what you want I gasp as they start shouting out their requests: bagel, cereal, yogurt. Bagel – check, yogurt – check, cereal -no check; we need milk. Up I get and into the shower, wake the “Queen” and get the girls dressed. We need to drop off the rental and reclaim our blessing (a 2003 Yukon Denali @ a great price, in great shape, w/lots of bells and whistles we have yet to figure out and comparable gas mileage to our van) from the shop.
It’s a great day, cool, sunny, low humidity I love it when it’s like this. Dropping off the car was no problem. Waiting for a ride to the dealership was (20 minutes); I was the most impatient of all. We got our blessing, filled her up with gas and dropped the queen off at her grandmothers for the day. We swung by Costco for milk, eggs, yogurt, fruit, water, and a pizza! A quick stop by the pool store to get the new filter piece and home to feed our hungry stomachs. The girls watched cartoons, I read a book and then it was time for their naps which brings us to this point now.
Still no progress on the broken lawn mower, the broken toilet, the spiders, bees and ants that have invaded our house or the mysterious hole in the kitchen wall. Three loads of laundry done and about 6 more to go. I have to get the clothes together for church in the morning, Sunday dinner to think about and my room needs a good cleaning. I also need to find the rebate check from Costco, the shot record for one of the girls and my 2005 & 2006 tax information so I can get 2006 filed.
There are bags of clothes to be taken to the attic and boxes I need brought down; papers to be sorted, filed and shredded in the office and clothes to be folded and put away in the girls rooms. The queen needs help cleaning her room (I vote for throwing everything away and starting fresh) and the floors all need a good sweeping and scrubbing with Murphy’s Oil. I could go on with my never ending honey do list but at this point I’m overwhelming even my own brain.
Where do I begin?
Add comment June 21, 2008
