I dread Monday mornings. Not because its the beginning of the work week but because it’s the end of my sense of control. As your typical type A personality I like to be in control of my life and where things are going. 

No, I’m not from Mars, although that might explain why my life is anything but easy… but Saturday and Sunday are my days to decided who, what, when, where, and how according to my whims. Monday through Friday my life is behested by my job, my kids and this thing called responsibilities (in other words my so called life). My daily routine is just that – routine. We get up at the same time each morning, have the same disagreements every morning (I don’t want to wear that, I don’t want that for lunch, I don’t want to go to the Y or the babysitters) and every evening (why do we have to go home now, can’t we stay a little longer, I don’t want that for dinner, I don’t want to go to bed). See the pattern. There are days when I feel the same way ( I don’t want to get up, I don’t want to go to work, I don’t want to pay the bills, go to the grocery store, gas station or the pharmacy). But no matter how I FEEL or what I THINK I always give in to the practical side of myself, suck up the whining and do it because it is my lot in life. 

Now don’t get me wrong. I love my life, I love my kids but I hate my job and all the responsibility that comes with it and raising my kids by myself. Sometimes I want to just hand over the reins to someone else and say, “you do the driving for awhile.” Unfortunately, I’ve never been able to do that. Instead, I’ve been the one to take over the reins from others and drive their lives while they have had moments when they needed to “find themselves”, take a break or just plain give up and shrug off the responsibility.

For me it’s what comes natural. I am a nurturer. It is in my blood. Seriously, I NEED to be NEEDED. I am definitely best supporting actor material. I give my best performances when assisting others to reach their dreams, hopes and desires. Their success is tantamount to my success and thus my life has meaning. I was never a dreamer. I didn’t have grandiose ideas of fame or fortune; those bubbles burst even before they could be plucked out of the bottle on the end of the wand.

Right now I’m at a crossroad and I don’t have a clue which way to go, what lies ahead on any of the paths stretched out before me and very little faith in myself to make the right decision. In other words, I’m floundering. Definitely not something easily admitted by us Type A’s.

I don’t like my job and I’m not sure that this is where I need to be right now other than for financial reasons because there is no joy, no sense of supporting or the need to nurture. This is an environment of individuality; each person is an island that occasionally come together to celebrate birthdays or babies but otherwise keep to themselves. I’m not thriving, I feel like I’m withering on the vine.

This is definitely not where I need to be but I’m frozen in my tracks. Scared to venture out and see what else might be out there because of fear. Fear of failure – making the wrong choice like w/my marriage. Fear of rejection – I’m pretty fragile in that department right now. In all honesty, I’m an emotional wreck. I don’t trust myself to be reasonable about letters of rejection, etc. so I’m avoiding putting myself in a position to suffer through it. But the biggest fear is of the unknown.

I don’t know where start, where to look, what kind of job to look for or how to even begin to figure it out. I just know that I need to do something to change my outlook on each day as I get up and step out into the world to make a contribution in the community I live in.

I keep looking for a sign; praying for revelation. I know that each of us has a calling on our life, something that He has prepared us for. Purpose. Direction. Insight please!!!  I hate to admit it but maybe I’m a little dense when it comes to “sensing” or “hearing” what is being told to me.  Maybe I need it to be spelled out a little more plainly or maybe I’m searching for something a lot more difficult than what is actually being asked of me. I mean my life has never been easy so why would I assume that He has some easy calling for me. I’m a fighter. I thrive under stress and strain and do some of my best work when I’m flying by the seat of my pants. My supporting role personality has always been my greatest attribute along with my compassion, empathy, nurturing, eye for detail, teamplayer, hard working, quick to accept whatever assignment is required attitude. So what can all of that mean? What calling could encompass all of that?

What if there isn’t one? What if what He has in store for me is a complete 180 degree turn – can I handle it? Can I even fathom being able to take my life and change the way I’ve lived for the past 43 years? Can I step out into the unknown with complete faith that He will work it out? 

I don’t know but I think I better start figuring it out before it’s too late.