Archive for January 2011
Slugfest Pt. 2
Last night we tried talking again and it was another slug fest of words. I yelled, he yelled and in my opinion nothing got solved. I couldn’t answer his questions because I really don’t know what to say. He wants to stay married. He thinks if we communicate more then things will be better. He didn’t react to my looking for a second job because he said he knew there was no way I would be able to do both. He has actively put in applications and followed up this past week. It’s almost like a little too late for me. I don’t know if I want to be married or not. I mean right now I don’t know how I feel about anything.
Do I love him; do I need or want him? Questions I don’t have an answer for at least not a black and white answer. I don’t know if I want to be married to him or anyone. I feel like I’m not the marrying kind. I’m so loaded down with baggage and issues well beyond the norm and I realize that this is a lot more than he bargained for even if he doesn’t admit it.
The kids are a source of great angst between us. He doesn’t feel that I am consistent with them and even though since I’ve been back I have remained vigilant with them and the behavioral expectation he’s still stuck in the past. I told him that I felt like i
The bottom line is I don’t respect my husband. I don’t like him. His lack of balls has made me resentful and ready to walk away. I can do badly all by myself.
Add comment January 29, 2011
The Week
This week has been filled with stops and starts. My mom went to the hospital on Wednesday and for 24 hours we weren’t sure what was going on. By Thursday they ruled out her heart and focused on other areas. Friday morning they determined it is a disc in her back that is putting pressure on the nerves and causing her to have heaviness in her chest and arm and tingling in her fingers. She was released Friday afternoon and is now resting at home. I spent time before and after work at the hospital each day because I felt a need to be near her physically. It wasn’t bad and it made me realize a few things about her. She is human and vulnerable. Her ways might be hurtful but it is not always intentional. She is so used to acting a certain way that she does it subconsciously not maliciously. Hopefully I’ll remember that the next time I feel slighted in some way. I’m just glad she’s going to be fine and that this episode is behind us.
Add comment January 29, 2011
Head in the sand
I want to be an ostrich and stick my head in the sand so that I don’t have to participate in my life right now. I went to bed last night feeling bitter and discouraged. I didn’t want to be married nor have kids. I just wanted to be alone. Not having to worry about anyone else or their well-being.
My husband didn’t work last night. He overdrew the checking account. He put in a couple of applications on-line and he spent the day baking. On the bright side, if you could call it that, he was there when school called to say one of the children needed a change of clothes. But WTF am I supposed to do when I come home at night to him sitting on the couch playing video games with the kids and my house is a freaking mess? I don’t work hard all day to come home and clean house, iron clothes or even fold them up. Is there no end to the madness?
My oldest daughter has major attitude because she isn’t doing well in one of her classes and so we took her phone away. Blah blah blah blah blah…
The next to the oldest is only 10 going on 11 but wants to read books about subjects far more mature than her age. She wants to read stories about boys and love and relationships. But she’s only 10 and so every week when we go to the library we fight over what books she can or cannot check out. It’s draining and not very pleasant for either one of us so I’m ready to give up the library just because I don’t want this drama each week.
The other three have their petty differences which are fine and they just want my attention when I come home but I just don’t have the desire to give it to them. I want to go to my room and not be bothered. This makes me feel terrible. And when I look at it from another perspective I’m down right ashamed. Children are blessings and I have been tremendously blessed with these girls so I should just shut up my bellyaching and be thankful that I have kids to pluck my nerves; that love me unconditionally in the midst of all my mess and dig deep into the recesses of my heart and love them as they love me, spend time with them and not look at them as nuisances like I currently am.
Why do I feel like this? Money stresses and marital stresses have all but drained me and coupled with their neediness I don’t have anything left in reserve. My mother gene has gone on the fritz. I wonder do they have a “motherhood for dummies” book out that I can read and be miraculously fixed. Are there classes I can take to get my mothering mojo back? All I know is right now either everything around me is broke and needs to be fixed or it’s me that’s broken and I need to be fixed but I don’t know how or even where to begin.
Add comment January 26, 2011
The Weekend in review or the Cold Shoulder
The weekend was uneventful in that there wasn’t any time to discuss real life issues. We didn’t have the girls but we had Antonio and so I left him alone to spend time with his son. I took our next door neighbor out to Short Pump Town Center to get her out of the house. We had lunch at Baker’s Crust. Delicious. I am very concerned about her short-term memory. We can only do so much to care for her when she forgets the basics on a daily basis. She too is concerned and so sooner rather than later we will need to look into assisted living for her.
I was going to put applications in at a couple of other places but decided no. I can’t do it. There is just no way I can work a second job while my husband sits at home and does nothing. So I didn’t. Instead I hung out in the cold giving them bonding time and me time to myself. I went to B&N and that is usually my relaxing station but it was just too busy and so I left fairly quickly and headed to my sister’s to pick up Sydney. In short order we were back at home and I spent the evening in the bedroom reading and flipping channels while he sat on the couch in the family room watching TV and doing stuff on the computer.
Syd and I went to church on Sunday. He cooked breakfast for us and had it waiting when we got home. He’s trying to be attentive and I don’t know how to take it. I did see that he looked through the classifieds and was on a few job searching sites but nothing has been said between us about his situation. Saturday I did tell him I was still looking for a part-time job, where I had applied and places I was thinking of going while I was out. No response from him yet again. He worked Sunday evening for four whole hours and came home griping about that. I find it hard to be sympathetic when he complains because in my mind it’s such a piddly job that it doesn’t make any sense to get so wrapped up in something you don’t have any real investment in.
Monday we awoke to a cold house. We had run out of oil. I couldn’t understand how since we had just gotten a load less than three weeks ago to the tune of $332 only to find out he had been turning the heat up at night while we slept to 70 and 71 degrees. OMG I was furious. So we don’t have the washer, now we don’t have heat or hot water. We had to switch back to the hot water heater and use space heaters for now. I can order more oil on next Monday after I’ve paid off this balance. Prayerfully it won’t be too cold this week.
For all intents and purposes I’m still trying to work it out and make things work in the marriage. I have to give it my best shot and put a little more energy behind working things out with him; communicating although it seems to fall on deaf ears. Once I know I’ve given it my all then I can explore other options but right now I’ve just been avoiding things not really dealing with them and I need to sit down and be honest and frank with him about how I feel and what I expect. Once I’ve done that if nothing changes then I’ll feel like I have the right to say enough is enough cut my losses and move forward. He’s not working Thursday to Sunday so I’m sure I can find time during those few days to talk with him.
Add comment January 25, 2011
A Brilliant Disguise
The two sides of me – the one I work with and the one I live with.
I am open, warm, communicative and carefree. I embody happiness. The work me has got it all together. From the top of her head down to the soles of her feet everything is put together. She has got it going on and on and on. As MC Hammer said “you can’t touch this.” She can roll with the best of them and often does. Her work is stellar; superior even to her peers and the load that she can carry far exceeds what is expected of her. All i’s are dotted and all t’s are crossed. If there is an issue or a problem she has already anticipated it and has the answer or solution ready. She doesn’t have just Plan A and B but C and D as well. Never one to be caught with her pants down she views all situations from 360 degrees and then executes on the best one. She is truly a team player and the first to take the blame should something go wrong. She will internalize the hurt/anger/pain or frustration, rehash the situation and make sure that in the future the same thing will not happen again. Never one to be totally satisfied she takes the good job compliment but her mind is already working on a way to make the good better for the next go round.
Constructive criticism is welcomed if presented in a professional manner and if there is an issue she appreciates being allowed to give her side of things and then moving on without a black cloud hanging over her head but if she isn’t given the chance to purge things from her perspective it will take a little while for her to move past the chastisement. She is always looking for the next big assignment but the little details of her everyday work are not shirked. She can do them in her sleep and usually has them covered before she’s even asked to do so.
She takes pride in her work and will give 150% in an effort to avoid failure, loss or disappointment on the part of her internal/external customers. Her annual reviews usually place her in the “stretch” category and the comments from managers glowing.
The home me is as different than night is from day. In fact the work me is the day and the home me is the night. The darkness of the night looms heavy in the mind and imagination of people and that is me at home. The burdens I bear there are no comparison to what I bear at work. The differences are so startling that one often wonders how this could be. The at home me is timid, meek, easily overwhelmed, angry, confused and frustrated. She is eager to retreat from the issues at hand and can barely give 100% as she is so drained emotionally by the chaos that surrounds her and continues to suck her dry. Details slip through the cracks as she doesn’t follow-up or engage herself fully into activities other than school obligations and doctor/dentist appointments. There is no desire to spend Saturday’s traipsing around from one activity to another for the kids and she easily relinquishes visitations to their Dad for multiple weekends at a time thus freeing her from interaction that leaves her feeling less than desirable as a parent or human being sometimes. It is her desire to shirk all duties and responsibilities for these that are left at home as they seem so alien to her. She has no clue how to handle the barrage of emotional dribble that seems to come from each of them in sequential order. Attitude prevails in the home as does disorder. Chaos is too nice a word to describe the drama that plays out daily. Thankfully she’s not privy to it all except when dragged in by a phone call or knock on her bedroom door as she tries to hide in her room from them and their minutia. She dreads going home at night during the week but she dreads the weekends even more when she knows they are going to be here and there will be no reprieve. One would think that they would tire from the incessant bickering, fighting and crying but the opposite seems to be true for at least one who thrives when things are in flux and she is the center of attention either negative or positive. The others are so used to this they are no longer phased by her antics but have grown weary of the temper tantrums and ensuing pithiness that will remain for several hours. Although they are guilty of bad behavior too there is no ulterior motive. They are just being themselves whereas the other is intent on causing major discord within the household and revels in it. She is one where there must have limited contact with. Buttons are pushed and things can get ugly and out of hand quickly. I won’t be mocked, lied on or to and then expected to just accept it as part of who they are when the whole time they are smirking, pleased to be the center of attention and successful in pushing buttons to the point that one loses their cool. I find these interactions to be mentally and physically draining and wishing I was anywhere but in the current situation. At this moment I’m not the target, the husband is and she is blessedly pleased although she does have to say something to let her know she is aware of her antics yet again.
Criticism at home is not acceptable. I have no use, desire or aptitude to accept it. Arguing is not something I can do either. It is emotionally dangerous and prone to push one close to the edge. Discussions quickly give way to arguments and then I shut down. I want to be able to talk about it w/out interruption or having it tossed back to me as my problem. Due to low esteem and self-doubt I grab hold of it and make it my problem. In fact right now I’m stuck in the problem without a way to get out. Not wanting to run or toss in the towel too quickly but realizing that I am giving up and not caring about the marriage, the spouse, the consequences or effects this will have on the children is not a good thing. For all intents and purposes although they fight him tooth and nail, they love him and have come to accept him as part of their life. I realize I will be leaving a gaping wound in their lives should I sever our relationship on a whim versus really putting forth effort to make it work. I know things are bad and we need to communicate a lot more and with more clarity I just don’t have that kind of energy. Right now we are more or less roommates tiptoeing around each other or two ships in the night that don’t really have much in common or to say to one another. I am hurt, frustrated and aggravated but I am pushing it aside and saying nothing. He is being nice but not being open about his efforts or lack thereof to find a real job and the desire to continue what he currently has going on (working part-time). If he is affected by my looking for another job he has not expressed it and I have talked to him and told him where I’ve applied, etc. so he has full knowledge. Have I seen a change, yes, he’s been nicer but what does that have to do with anything? I don’t want nice. I want a husband who is doggedly putting himself out there to take care of his responsibilities. At this point flipping burgers at McDonalds sounds absolutely wonderful to me because it means he’s trying and doing whatever it takes.
But it doesn’t matter because there is nothing for me to say nor do that won’t put home in jeopardy or me on standby to follow-through if I throw an ultimatum out there. I don’t want to do it alone – yes, I am basically doing that financially but physically he is there for all intents and purposes that does help. I’m not worried about looking like a failure to anyone but I do dread everyone feeling betrayed or let down by me because they all think Tony is a great guy and so do I but he’s not good at being a husband or provider for his family and how do I let that little cat out of the bag without looking like the bad guy in all of this? Should I care? Do I care – a little but not so much that I’m not at least thinking about him leaving? So what is his take on all of this? I know it by heart. I am a nag, I’m mean, cold, uninvolved, I care more about outside stuff than home and that’s just plain wrong. He feels dumped on and like I’m using him and I don’t really have the wife thing down pat (sorry but he’s right – I haven’t a clue sometimes) and he’s cold because I’m cold towards him. Gone is the happy, warm, loving wife; she’s been replaced by a bitchy shrew that cares only for herself although she actually doesn’t care about anything self-included if it’s not work related.
How do I mesh the two together to become one without losing the great attributes from work but smooth out the horrible attributes of home and do I really think I can or even want to?
Add comment January 25, 2011
Making sense of it all
How does this go from being his problem to being my problem in three short minutes? I don’t know but it happens every time. At no point in this relationship have I been able to say something, have a moment or two or even point out something glaringly wrong that has been done without having it turned around and hoisted right back on my shoulders.
Why do I let that happen? How do I stop it from happening?
A text message went from basic to hostile within a couple of minutes yesterday and I was the heavy. I am not fulfilling my duties as a wife. I am avoiding him and not communicating. I am _____ (fill in the blank). It was all about me but in a negative way.
The part that pisses me off the most is that he has a way of choosing to attack me when I am not in a position to respond so I get all his garbage dumped on me and then I am left to stew in it for the remainder of the day and in the end I’m a walking cesspool of garbage and unsure how to clean myself up.
Yesterday this took place while I was at work and in the middle of preparing for a gala we had here last night that I was in charge of. He knew about it and incredulously still decided to have his rant. When asked why he said it was because he knew he’d have my attention.
It is perfectly clear that the two of us view our relationship in two very different lights. We don’t have minor disagreements, we have Grand Canyon size rifts and that is not an exaggeration. What I don’t understand is how I could have missed this in the beginning. How come I couldn’t see how immature his thinking and reasoning was?
I am a realist and he is what I would call a couch dreamer. All talk but no action behind it.
I accept the blame that has led to where we are now in that I didn’t pressure him to get a full-time job when the baby went to school in the fall. I’ve not put the financial pressure on him I’ve held all to myself. Sure I’ve alluded to it, gave him the breakdown and let him know when we’ve run short or out of funds but I never turned any of it over to him and said deal with it. Therefore, he has been free to do what he wants, when he wants as he wants because I’ve allowed it.
He knows I’m looking for a second job and had no response to it whatsoever other than to say he’s looking for something to work around his schedule. My response was forget your schedule just get a full-time job and we’ll work things out but he needs to have a job first before he tries to find a solution to something that “could” be a problem but in all likelihood will not be.
The fear I had from him knowing I was searching for a second job was unfounded. The fact that he had no response leaves me feeling numb and dumb. I thought it would anger him or illicit a response in him to get off his butt and take some action. I thought he would feel shame or even anger and those emotions would propel him to do more than he is doing but it didn’t. At least not to the extent that he has shared any kind of response to me. Yet I am angry with him because of the humiliation I have felt each time I am rejected from a place because I am over-qualified or in essence I already make too much money and they can’t fathom me working for so much less than what I already am making. Not realizing that everything is not as it seems.
Yesterday he alluded to the fact that I am ignoring him and keeping him at arm’s length. That my body language and behavior tell him I don’t want to be with him or to keep this marriage going. Since he has deduced this he therefore is taking measures to give me my space and allow me to continue to be this way until such a time as I change my mind or I guess he gives up and decides to move on. In any event it is like having a roommate not a husband.
Things have not changed with his attitude towards the children. It is still hit or miss depending on the day.
My biggest frustration stems from trying to figure out what he does all day. When I get home the house is not clean so I know it’s not that. I’m vacuuming, straightening up, doing the lunches, signing the papers, folding the clothes, changing the sheets and cleaning the bathrooms in the evenings and on the weekend so for the love of Pete could someone please tell me what he does from 8:00 to 3:00 when the kids get home.
Eat, watch TV, and take a nap? Run around from store to store looking at stuff that we won’t be buying anytime soon? I don’t get it. I don’t understand how he can do that day in and day out and feel good about not contributing to the household monetarily. Getting the kids off to school carries only so much weight in the grand scheme of things so what constitutes the balance of the time?
Add comment January 21, 2011
Where I am
I live my life hard, fast and to the fullest. I have a heart that I don’t seem to mind wearing on my sleeve to be beaten up, battered and bruised every chance that comes around. I love deeply because I longed for love for so many years that when I have the chance to give it I give it ALL, no holding back and sometimes that works to my advantage and other times it blows up in my face. Right now I’m in the mode of loving and the situation is between both ends of the spectrum but it’s moving down to the blowing up in my face portion of the scale pretty fast and that worries me.
With all that transpired last year, the sabbatical and the counseling both from friends and my counselors I learned that I can’t control other people or their actions. I’ve embraced that probably all too well and therefore feel that since I can’t control the other party that maybe they don’t need to be in my life at this time because I can’t handle what they are doing or trying to do to me (intentionally or unintentionally).
My husband and I are going through what some would call a rough patch but to me it’s much more than that. We have fundamental differences that were not evident before and I’m not sure those can be overcome. There are a lot of things I am willing to compromise on, concede to and let go for the sake of the marriage but when it comes down to fairness, my well-being both physically and emotionally I have to stop and give pause to see if this is something worth continuing to pursue or should I cut my losses and move on.
Of course that kind of thinking brings about a whole other can of worms called the children. How will it affect them and what effects will it have? Right now they are used to having him around; take him for granted at times and sometimes I think they tolerate him because he is my husband. He can be fun for them when the mood strikes but lately that hasn’t been so much. Instead of them getting closer I feel he is distancing himself from them by having less and less interaction with them. They sense this and since my time is limited with them they are essentially relying on Sydney a great deal of the time or should I say themselves as Sydney is sequestered in the basement oblivious to what is taking place upstairs until someone comes downstairs screaming and hollering. This is not how I envisioned my children’s upbringing to be. But this is where it is.
A long way off from where it was one year ago when he was deeply immersed in their care and school work. Now he is very nonchalant and could care less if its done or to offer them any help because they have talked back or refused to do it the way he has suggested over the course of time. I’m sorry but I’m having a hard time with him not acting like the parent/adult and playing the same games with the kids as they are playing with him. That leaves just me as the grown up having to shoulder the entire burden and that stinks.
Somewhere along the way we got off track or maybe we were never even there but my husband hasn’t stepped up to the plate and been the man of the house. I’ve pretty much been running things and he’s allowed it. Now he’s frustrated as am I but only because he wants to be the man without taking full responsibility. I am reluctant to relinquish this control because I sense the danger in allowing the full load of the house, the bills and the kids on him. Not only will he collapse under the weight of it all but we will suffer financially and emotionally as I will have a melt-down of major proportion if something happens to my credit or if our stuff gets turned off because he’s holding off paying something because he’s spent all the money we have coming in.
I no longer drive anything but the truck because that is the only vehicle with insurance on it. He discontinued insurance on the Volvo and his Honda because he couldn’t afford it working the hours that he was. It was $93 a month. He didn’t bother to tell me for two months and at that time I refused to drive it because if something happens and I’m driving they can sue me and take my house. If he’s driving then it’s on him and he doesn’t have a pot to piss in so the loss is minimal. Crazy I know but that is how it is.
Bottom line is I don’t trust him with our lives as he has displayed reckless behavior in his own. And I am much more responsible than he is so the opportunity for him to be the head of the household is pretty slim as I just can’t be that reckless as to give him freedom and control over our life choices financially or spiritually. He hasn’t been to church since I went on sabbatical. Now that I’m back he hasn’t joined us on Sunday’s even though he doesn’t have to be to work until well past time for Sunday service to be over. I can’t control his coming and going to church. That is a personal choice that he has to make on his own and I accept that but I can’t allow his attitude about going or not going affect me and the kids. We are supposed to be leading by example and they question why he doesn’t go to church with us any more.
He’s not that fond of my family and that’s fine but he is fond enough that he will talk to Kelly from time to time. He doesn’t care for my mother and I can appreciate that but if he had his way I’d have no contact as he feels this would be better than the current relationship I have. He has minimal contact with his family because we are his family now and his major role is to take care of home first. But he’s not doing it. He has an excuse for everything that is not complete and none of it falls on him for starting something if he didn’t have the means or resources to finish it. In reality he has but he spent the money on other things.
We talk, we yell, we fuss but nothing gets accomplished. He says he will change. I say I will and for a couple of days we do but after that – nothing. I’m willing to try. I keep reaching out but damn it all to hell there is a limit to how much I’m willing to bend over backwards and kiss my own ass to keep it all afloat. He makes it very hard and I think he enjoys it at times which pisses the hell out of me.
I am not the perfect wife; far from it, very far from it. I am trying to do better but I’m not 100% there yet. I’ve lost a great deal of feeling relaxed and ok about things to being tense and uptight like the OCD, ADHD, Type A person that I am used to being. This is not a good thing. I’ve allowed the added stress to strip me bare of the tools I’ve learned to use to get through it all.
I’m getting more discouraged by the added weight gain. Of course he doesn’t seem to mind but I’m the one carrying around 30 extra pounds and counting. There doesn’t seem to be an end to this weight gain although I am aggressively working out 5 days a week. I’m reluctant to mess with the meds as I feel we are at a good place with them but something has to give. I will consider dropping one of them if I have to as they both have this side effect so the Abilify is the lower dosage of the bunch so I’d wean that down if push comes to shove. It won’t be pretty as withdrawal is said to be brutal.
I just want my life to untangle itself from the mess it is but I don’t know how to do that without someone getting hurt or harboring ill feelings toward the other. How did things get to be in such a flux I can’t answer other than to take blame for my state of mind and actions during that time that seemed rationale but probably weren’t. I also feel that he stepped into a bigger pile of shit than he thought and now he doesn’t know how to get it all off so he’s just walking around smelling everything up. That may not be the best analogy in the world but it’s the one that makes the most sense to me.
I’m not going to prolong or drag this out forever but I feel I owe it to him to lay it out there and give him a reasonable amount of time to change something or make other arrangements for his future and as I say that I wonder how it will all end.
Add comment January 19, 2011
A new home
Welcome,
This one is for me and only me and makes me able to write what I NEED to write without having to hear complaints from others about what I’m writing or how I’m expressing my thoughts and feelings.
Blogging has been a therapeutic outlet for me and I can’t imagine not being allowed to release what is pent-up inside my heart and mind. I’ve missed it for the past few weeks and don’t feel whole if I’m not being true and honest with my feelings.
Add comment January 17, 2011
