Head in the sand
January 26, 2011 kimbershome
I want to be an ostrich and stick my head in the sand so that I don’t have to participate in my life right now. I went to bed last night feeling bitter and discouraged. I didn’t want to be married nor have kids. I just wanted to be alone. Not having to worry about anyone else or their well-being.
My husband didn’t work last night. He overdrew the checking account. He put in a couple of applications on-line and he spent the day baking. On the bright side, if you could call it that, he was there when school called to say one of the children needed a change of clothes. But WTF am I supposed to do when I come home at night to him sitting on the couch playing video games with the kids and my house is a freaking mess? I don’t work hard all day to come home and clean house, iron clothes or even fold them up. Is there no end to the madness?
My oldest daughter has major attitude because she isn’t doing well in one of her classes and so we took her phone away. Blah blah blah blah blah…
The next to the oldest is only 10 going on 11 but wants to read books about subjects far more mature than her age. She wants to read stories about boys and love and relationships. But she’s only 10 and so every week when we go to the library we fight over what books she can or cannot check out. It’s draining and not very pleasant for either one of us so I’m ready to give up the library just because I don’t want this drama each week.
The other three have their petty differences which are fine and they just want my attention when I come home but I just don’t have the desire to give it to them. I want to go to my room and not be bothered. This makes me feel terrible. And when I look at it from another perspective I’m down right ashamed. Children are blessings and I have been tremendously blessed with these girls so I should just shut up my bellyaching and be thankful that I have kids to pluck my nerves; that love me unconditionally in the midst of all my mess and dig deep into the recesses of my heart and love them as they love me, spend time with them and not look at them as nuisances like I currently am.
Why do I feel like this? Money stresses and marital stresses have all but drained me and coupled with their neediness I don’t have anything left in reserve. My mother gene has gone on the fritz. I wonder do they have a “motherhood for dummies” book out that I can read and be miraculously fixed. Are there classes I can take to get my mothering mojo back? All I know is right now either everything around me is broke and needs to be fixed or it’s me that’s broken and I need to be fixed but I don’t know how or even where to begin.
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