Dear John…
February 1, 2011 kimbershome
It has been a whirlwind two years. We’ve had our highs and our lows. It’s a ride I wasn’t prepared for in some aspects but so very ready for in others. Thank you for making it possible for us to be the family we are today. At times it may not seem like much but considering where we have come from we have made great strides and I owe a great deal of that to you. It is not just words and it is not said lightly. I mean thank you from the very bottom of my heart. You took a chaotic situation and you started the process of shaping and molding it into what we are today. Yes, we have a ways to go but I never thought I would get to this point.
As the needs of the household have changed we have not changed with it and therein lies a problem. We are a family. We love and care for each other. The kids love you and in their own way have a great amount of respect for you and your rules but like all kids they buck and turn every chance they get to test out the waters and see how much rope they have to hang themselves.
Unlike the kids I am struggling right now with a lot in our relationship. I love you and appreciate what you have accomplished but there is also a part of me that doesn’t like or respect you very much because of what you haven’t done in the two years you have been with us.
Please hear me out before getting upset and thinking you know what I’m going to say before it even gets said. Respect is defined as: “to feel or show honor or esteem for; hold in high regard / to consider or treat with deference or dutiful regard”
With that definition in mind I don’t feel or have the energy to show you honor or esteem. I don’t hold you in high regard or treat you with deference or dutiful regard. To me you are like one of the kids and that is not what I signed up for. Let me explain what I mean.
In the two years you have been with us you I feel like you have failed to step up to the plate and be the man in the family. You have continually pushed the kids and their issues off to me and thrown up your hands in frustration and disgust rather than taking the bull by the horns and standing firm. You have done this with me as well. I want a husband who is the head of the household not one that hides behind my skirt. I appreciate the support you give me that allows me to be gone from the house for work and other activities. Don’t get me wrong having you around the house to take care of things while I travel, work late, etc. is a burden off my shoulders. What adds more pressure to me is when you don’t keep the house clean, make the kids mind or make life easier for me without demanding something in return. We are two different people and we express ourselves in two different fashions. I will text you, email you or tell you thank you and feel like that is sufficient. You on the other hand allow your actions to speak for themselves and I’m not always good at reading you. I don’t need or want the “best” of things I just want a loving husband who is the head of his house. Has a good relationship with God, his children and extended family. I don’t want to have to “buy” your love and affection based on what I do or don’t give you. You are all I need not fancy expensive stuff. That has never interested me. The fact that you appreciate the finer things in life is fine but I can’t justify buying you those kind of things when we are struggling to make our daily needs met. That kind of pressure is weighing me down to my knees.
You’ve changed so much I don’t know who you are. You had so much drive and initiative when I first met you. Two jobs and helping out everyone you could. What happened? Did you get complacent staying home that now you can’t think beyond that? I want someone who makes it a point to find out the information if he doesn’t have it and to keep it fresh and in front of him. I shouldn’t be the only one fretting or worrying about our current financial situation. The idea of me even thinking about a second job should have been a major blow to your pride. It should have never been an option for me to even get to that point. The fact that I have supplemented the joint bank account and the savings account to the sum of $750 over the past year for overdrafts and money to take care of the basics has been burdensome. I was physically dealt a blow when I realized that you had made as little as you did last year but that we would incur a hit because taxes had not been taken out of your check. I thought about all the times you turned down working for others and just wanted to weep but instead I became angry and bitter towards you. I resent you for allowing us to struggle week after week and haven’t put forth a more rigorous attempt at finding another job. I don’t care what hours you work as long as it is a 40 regular with the appropriate taxes taken out. I need you to be helping build us up not keep us stagnant or wearing us down.
I understand in theory that you want to be home to make it easier for me but that is not happening. You aren’t engaging the kids, making sure homework is done and done properly like you did the first year. Essentially you’ve written them off and allowed them to overthrow you. I thought you were a better man than that. So instead of helping me you are burdening me to work all day and then come home and finish with the kids. How is that fair? How does that make life easier for me? I’m doing laundry, I’m packing lunches, I keep the hall bathroom clean and alternate between the homework room and the family room on Saturdays to clean on top of doing the other errands that need to be taken care of. How is this making my life easier? How is this supporting me? What are you getting out of being home? An opportunity to cook stuff, flip channels, draw pictures of the house, dream essentially but not put anything into motion or finishing it.
Yes, I’m still hung up on stuff being done half way; the shoe rack over the door that is still not bolted into place. The cabinet you put together but haven’t hung on the wall. Cleaning the man cave and making it a livable area in the house and keeping the garage area clean. I cringe when I go down to do the laundry. I detest that part of the house and am embarrassed beyond words to open the garage door for fear of someone seeing what a big pile of mess it is.
My facial expressions cause you to judge me quickly and I beg to differ that what you read on my face is not always true. Of late I have been stressed, mad or angry about things happening at home so there could be a scowl or two but I’m not always upset sometimes I’m emotionally and physically worn out but instead of you “reading” my face ask me how I am and then we won’t have an issue with you thinking one thing when it is actually another. If you ask me what’s wrong and I say nothing then it really is nothing at that moment. Meaning I’m not ready to discuss it and when I am I will. But pushing and reacting negatively drives me further away from you.
In the beginning I was more affectionate than I am now but I was also less stressed. I smiled easily and laughed often. Now I’m just there. My physical and mental state of mind overflows into the affectionate part of me. I am always available to you to take care of your needs but waiting for me to initiate intimacy will ultimately leave you frustrated as I am just not into that mode right now. My physical drive has slowed down a little as well. I am stating the facts. I don’t want to blame it on the meds but it could be an underlying issue again if you want it I’m not turning you down. That used to be a very enjoyable side of our relationship but as of late I find that you seem to struggle with making the overtures because you are waiting for me to do so.
Right now we are at a crossroad and we have to make some choices as to which way to go. Either we are going down the path together or we are going off into different directions. I’d like it to be together but if that is not what you have in mind please let me know. God is not a big part of you and me. I have my quiet time, I go to church, I read, study and pray by myself. In the beginning I said I thought we needed to pray together, study the word together and you pushed that aside. Now you don’t even go to church with us so Satan has put a wedge between the two of us and we have allowed it.
We are supposed to cleave unto each other but you are in your corner and I am in mine. If this continues I’m opting for out. I don’t need or want to do it alone but have you here as a roommate. Either we are together or we go separate. Maybe you need a break. Maybe going to NC to get a job and coming home on your days off is what we need right now. I don’t know or profess to have all the answers all I know is I want something different. I want the best from YOU, not what you can buy me as I try to give and do my best for you and the family.
We didn’t get here overnight and so we can’t realistically expect everything to change that quickly either but I know that we can make some immediate decisions to jumpstart things and the first is to put God first. Surrender unto him and what his word says a marriage is supposed to be like and secondly recommit to this marriage if that is what we want.
The communication must get better. Right now it’s not enough we need to get it together, ask questions, assume nothing and be respectful of our differing opinions. It’s alright to agree to disagree but we can’t keep rehashing the same things over and over. You’re going to be a husband and a dad or you’re not – I’m going to be a wife and mother or I’m not. We can’t keep straddling the fence like we have been.
Take all the time you need to read, reread and digest what I have had to say here. Please don’t get so offended that you don’t allow the spirit to minister to you as you read these words. They were not written to upset or offend you but to enlighten you to how I feel, where my head is at this time and what I feel like we need to do to move forward. Please don’t call me to discuss as this is a conversation meant to take place face to face.
I will let you have time to say whatever you want or need to say whether I like it or not. I know I’m not perfect and that you have your take on things and issues with me that you probably need to air out but please don’t let it be that blanket statement that I am selfish. I’m so over that and don’t appreciate it at all because my life is and never has been or will be all about me. Selfish as defined in the dictionary means: “concerned excessively or exclusively with oneself: seeking or concentrating on one’s own advantage, pleasure, or well-being without regard for others” Not even when I’ve been to the lowest depths of hells gates have I just thought about me otherwise I’d have been gone long time ago. But I have chosen to remain here for the sake of you, the kids, my family and friends so “selfish” is not what I am.
I love you and I love the possibility of what we can have. I’m not ready to throw it all away. I want to get to know you all over again. The one that courted me in the beginning. I want to be who I was when this relationship first started. I want us to walk hand in hand into the life God has laid out for us. How about you?
Sincerely,
Me
Entry Filed under: life, my feelings, my thoughts, the journey and tagged: crossroads, hurts, letter to husband, love, marriage, my thoughts
