And the truth of the matter is…
February 15, 2011 kimbershome
The problem is not with my husband but with me; my thoughts, my feelings and my perceptions. If I start looking at myself and how I am judging him I will find that I am being totally unfair in my assessment of him.
I am reminded by what my dad taught me growing up. If you have a problem with someone look in the mirror and what do you see – yourself obviously; and so the problem therein is with you not the other person. In this case he’s right. I’ve taken my feelings and externalized them onto my husband and that is totally wrong.
Granted he is not without fault but the only way to get beyond this is if I let go of all the negativism I’m holding against him and start seeing and treating him like he deserves to be treated. I have been very cynical and belittling to him not just in my behavior but by the tone of the words I have spewed upon him. My attitude has been that of a petulant child and I must grow up and see beyond the obvious. I need to make a concerted effort to see things as I want them to be not how they currently are. I need to support and love him unconditionally and not badger and blame him for everything that is going wrong. I must control my feelings instead of letting my feelings control me.
He got a second job last week and that should have made me happy but it didn’t. I was very indifferent about it and that is when I realized that nothing he does is going to satisfy me in this present state of mind. He is trying very hard to do the right thing but I am making it almost impossible for him as I keep raising the bar every time he comes close to making the mark.
I’m also comparing apples to oranges and have counted the poor guy out before he’s gotten up to bat.
Yes, he has his faults and because of some of his actions, which I’ve allowed, we are in a tough position but we didn’t get here over night and we won’t be able to get out of it over night but forward progress of any kind should be met with praise not degradation.
In my opinion, I’ve been a spoiled brat expecting one type of behavior from him while I continue to treat him any way I please. Thankfully he has allowed me to do so without uttering a word. He’s a much better person than I. Although he doesn’t quite get what I’ve been going through he’s trying and that’s more than I can say. I’ve stopped trying on a deeper level and the past few months have been skimming the cream off the surface when the whole cup used to be cream when I was in the mix; on the same page with him and it was “Us” not “him” or “me”. We are two ships passing in the night without any lights, destined to crash upon the rocks unless we start communicating on a very basic level of self and mutual respect.
My hope is that it’s not too late to change as I can’t go back and undo that which has been done. So today I’m making an extra effort to project the attitude and feelings I desire from him so that maybe in return I’ll get the same thing. Just maybe we’ll hit upon a spark of what we once had and these embers will rise and start to burn again.
Entry Filed under: my feelings, my thoughts, the journey
