Archive for October 2011
It’s all about knowing
Finally we have a diagnosis. An answer to that lingering question of what is going on with this child. It is amazing how just having a name to put to the list of symptoms can create such peace. I don’t have to play the guessing game any longer I can point to a certain behavior and know why we are experiencing it and better yet, how to deal with it.
It only took six months and $1,000+ but it has been worth it this past week as I have spent countless hours looking up information and equipping myself with the latest data on her condition so that I can tackle it with the best reports and treatments available.
The behavior remains the same but how I respond is entirely different. How I feel is like night and day and the outlook for the future is brighter than it ever has been.
Add comment October 27, 2011
A lingering question
Why am I here? It is a rhetorical question that I ask myself several times a year usually when I am going through something that seems to make no sense in the grand scheme of things in my life.
The sad part is that I’m no closer to an answer then when I first asked the question over forty years ago as a young child caught up in the ugliness of my parents’ divorce.
Many of us spend our whole lives seeking the answer to this question that for some never presents an answer. I for one don’t think that I will know in this lifetime the true purpose of my existence or the relevance of my life. All I know is that I am here and although there have been times when I have been at odds with that statement forces much stronger than I have intervened and kept me here.
What has brought about this line of thought you ask? Could it be the Religion 101 class on the Old Testament that I just took or the paper we did on Esther who was born ”for such a time as this” that once again led me to question my identity, my life’s path, purpose or even my worth? Or is it the culmination of challenges I’ve had to face the past few months? I’m not sure. Why not both? Was I born for such a time as this to mother the children in my care or have the choices in my life led me to this point and now I must chose the next course of my life? Has destiny orchestrated events that have led me to this point and will continue to guide my path if I but wait patiently for the next step to be revealed?
Does it matter why I am here more than what I do with my life while I am here? I don’t know I guess I’ll just have to keep plugging along waiting to see if things will be revealed over time. In the meantime, I have today to get through, tomorrow to think about and yesterday to ponder.
Add comment October 17, 2011
A day in the life…
A door slamming, feet kicking, head banging and screaming at the top of her lungs is she as she works through the anger that courses through her body. She’s eight years old and out of control. How do I handle it? We’ve been dealing with this for the past five years and as she gets older it gets more difficult. We are working with professionals on a solution but it has been an uphill battle.
My heart is twisted and torn and I feel helpless and on some days hopeless in the effort to get things under control. The ringing of the telephone makes my heart stop at work during school hours and text messages are viewed suspectly as they might be from school or daycare with an issue. The hardest part is taking the abuse that spews from the mouth during one of these tirades. Words, ugly words that cut to the core and cause one to pause, take a lot of deep breaths or count down from 100 to gain control over the emotions that rise to the surface. What comes out of the mouth leaves one dumb struck and at a loss as to what could cause one to feel so young to feel so troubled. How does a loving child one moment flip the switch and become someone so difficult to comprehend the next.
I ache for her, her pain and all that she goes through on a daily basis and for her sisters as they struggle between wanting to be with her and staying out of her way for fear of retaliation against them. We live in a war zone and from the outside looking in all seems “normal” but what is “normal” any way?
So why was I not surprised when the phone rang tonight and she was having a moment? Was it too much to hope for? This weekend was visitation and it was met with excitement all around. It had been a few months and lots had changed so we thought it would be a good time to try again. There was a power struggle, a test of the wills and she lost and didn’t take that very well. We had to remain firm and try to get her to accept responsibility and exercise a bit of control. A night-time trek of 90 miles just wasn’t in the cards and so we had to try to work through it so that the night could end on a reasonable note. It took some time but she was able to get herself together and the weekend hasn’t been a wash. She will be back in less than 24 hours and ready or not here we go.
Next week we start another round of therapist appointments and meetings with the school to see what services they can offer to help her get through the day without an outburst or loss of privileges. I am optimistic that we can come up with a plan. I pray daily that each day will be a good day and that we will get closer to a break through as to what we can do to get consecutive days of peace not just for us but for her too. I can only imagine how she must feel when these outbursts take place and when they are over. Physically she’s exhausted and emotionally she’s a wreck too so how is she psychologically and spiritually. Thankfully we have a God full of grace and mercy and love and compassion. A holy spirit that can wrap us up and bring us comfort in our toughest moments and I have to believe that is exactly what he does for her after one of these episodes.
Add comment October 16, 2011
And the song remains the same
Nothing has changed. It has been over 6 months and we are still right where we were before the time passed. I’ve tried but the harder I try the more I find myself stuck right where I am sinking in quicksand. I’ve tried to change my thoughts, my feelings and my actions to no avail. I don’t feel like things can be salvaged because we are on such different levels. Neither one better than the other just different. How two people can grow so far apart in dreams and desires in such a short period of time amazes me. How we view the gap and what brought it about also remains another thing we can’t seem to agree on. Agreeing to disagree is as far as we seem to have gotten.
I’m still looking/waiting for the man to show up and take over instead the opposite seems to be happening. It’s like he’s packed his bags and left leaving behind an empty shell that I don’t know how to fill. In the meantime I’ve just stepped up and taken over where I left off from my days of single parenting. Amazing how old habits are quick to rise to the surface in a time of crisis. I am doing it all and although it is not how I wanted it to be it is working for now. The financial pressure is hard. I’ve been blessed with resources from unseeing places to cover the shortfalls and for that I am grateful but the pressure is still there especially with the mounting expenses of a senior in high school. Juggling work, school, home and activities is overwhelming when thought about but manageable when taken one day at a time. It certainly doesn’t allow for time to wallow and feel sorry for one’s predicament as survival is the end goal.
How I feel. How you feel. How we feel doesn’t matter. The reality is that this hurting everyone involved on some level and that needs to stop. The innocents in all of this (the children) shouldn’t be subject to adult conversations or thoughts. To include them is wrong. Having to justify my actions to God, my family and friends is one thing but having to justify myself to my kids is a whole other story especially when it is about me, my character and what you consider my flaws. I would never say anything about you that was derogatory or even out of character to them regarding you and our differences and for you to do that is just wrong. I don’t care how old they are this is between you and me. Please leave them out of it.
I want this to be as amicable as possible. I want us to accept that we both have faults and part ownership in the demise of this marriage but instead of getting caught up in the blame game we need to rise above it and move forward without all the minutia that currently seems to be flying about. I want to get out of the rut, change the music and hear the strains of something more pleasurable than what has been playing these past few months.
Add comment October 16, 2011
