And the song remains the same
October 16, 2011 kimbershome
Nothing has changed. It has been over 6 months and we are still right where we were before the time passed. I’ve tried but the harder I try the more I find myself stuck right where I am sinking in quicksand. I’ve tried to change my thoughts, my feelings and my actions to no avail. I don’t feel like things can be salvaged because we are on such different levels. Neither one better than the other just different. How two people can grow so far apart in dreams and desires in such a short period of time amazes me. How we view the gap and what brought it about also remains another thing we can’t seem to agree on. Agreeing to disagree is as far as we seem to have gotten.
I’m still looking/waiting for the man to show up and take over instead the opposite seems to be happening. It’s like he’s packed his bags and left leaving behind an empty shell that I don’t know how to fill. In the meantime I’ve just stepped up and taken over where I left off from my days of single parenting. Amazing how old habits are quick to rise to the surface in a time of crisis. I am doing it all and although it is not how I wanted it to be it is working for now. The financial pressure is hard. I’ve been blessed with resources from unseeing places to cover the shortfalls and for that I am grateful but the pressure is still there especially with the mounting expenses of a senior in high school. Juggling work, school, home and activities is overwhelming when thought about but manageable when taken one day at a time. It certainly doesn’t allow for time to wallow and feel sorry for one’s predicament as survival is the end goal.
How I feel. How you feel. How we feel doesn’t matter. The reality is that this hurting everyone involved on some level and that needs to stop. The innocents in all of this (the children) shouldn’t be subject to adult conversations or thoughts. To include them is wrong. Having to justify my actions to God, my family and friends is one thing but having to justify myself to my kids is a whole other story especially when it is about me, my character and what you consider my flaws. I would never say anything about you that was derogatory or even out of character to them regarding you and our differences and for you to do that is just wrong. I don’t care how old they are this is between you and me. Please leave them out of it.
I want this to be as amicable as possible. I want us to accept that we both have faults and part ownership in the demise of this marriage but instead of getting caught up in the blame game we need to rise above it and move forward without all the minutia that currently seems to be flying about. I want to get out of the rut, change the music and hear the strains of something more pleasurable than what has been playing these past few months.
Entry Filed under: life, my feelings, my thoughts and tagged: marriage
