It only took six months and $1,000+ but it has been worth it this past week as I have spent countless hours looking up information and equipping myself with the latest data on her condition so that I can tackle it with the best reports and treatments available.

The behavior remains the same but how I respond is entirely different. How I feel is like night and day and the outlook for the future is brighter than it ever has been.

The sad part is that I’m no closer to an answer then when I first asked the question over forty years ago as a young child caught up in the ugliness of my parents’ divorce.

Many of us spend our whole lives seeking the answer to this question that for some never presents an answer. I for one don’t think that I will know in this lifetime the true purpose of my existence or the relevance of my life. All I know is that I am here and although there have been times when I have been at odds with that statement forces much stronger than I have intervened and kept me here.

What has brought about this line of thought you ask? Could it be the Religion 101 class on the Old Testament that I just took or the paper we did on Esther who was born ”for such a time as this” that once again led me to question my identity, my life’s path, purpose or even my worth? Or is it the culmination of challenges I’ve had to face the past few months? I’m not sure. Why not both? Was I born for such a time as this to mother the children in my care or have the choices in my life led me to this point and now I must chose the next course of my life? Has destiny orchestrated events that have led me to this point and will continue to guide my path if I but wait patiently for the next step to be revealed?

Does it matter why I am here more than what I do with my life while I am here? I don’t know I guess I’ll just have to keep plugging along waiting to see if things will be revealed over time. In the meantime, I have today to get through, tomorrow to think about and yesterday to ponder.

My heart is twisted and torn and I feel helpless and on some days hopeless in the effort to get things under control. The ringing of the telephone makes my heart stop at work during school hours and text messages are viewed suspectly as they might be from school or daycare with an issue. The hardest part is taking the abuse that spews from the mouth during one of these tirades. Words, ugly words that cut to the core and cause one to pause, take a lot of deep breaths or count down from 100 to gain control over the emotions that rise to the surface.  What comes out of the mouth leaves one dumb struck and at a loss as to what could cause one to feel so young to feel so troubled. How does a loving child one moment flip the switch and become someone so difficult to comprehend the next.

I ache for her, her pain and all that she goes through on a daily basis and for her sisters as they struggle between wanting to be with her and staying out of her way for fear of retaliation against them. We live in a war zone and from the outside looking in all seems “normal” but what is “normal” any way?

So why was I not surprised when the phone rang tonight and she was having a moment? Was it too much to hope for? This weekend was visitation and it was met with excitement all around. It had been a few months and lots had changed so we thought it would be a good time to try again. There was a power struggle, a test of the wills and she lost and didn’t take that very well. We had to remain firm and try to get her to accept responsibility and exercise a bit of control. A night-time trek of 90 miles just wasn’t in the cards and so we had to try to work through it so that the night could end on a reasonable note. It took some time but she was able to get herself together and the weekend hasn’t been a wash. She will be back in less than 24 hours and ready or not here we go.

Next week we start another round of therapist appointments and meetings with the school to see what services they can offer to help her get through the day without an outburst or loss of privileges. I am optimistic that we can come up with a plan. I pray daily that each day will be a good day and that we will get closer to a break through as to what we can do to get consecutive days of peace not just for us but for her too. I can only imagine how she must feel when these outbursts take place and when they are over. Physically she’s exhausted and emotionally she’s a wreck too so how is she psychologically and spiritually. Thankfully we have a God full of grace and mercy and  love and compassion. A holy spirit that can wrap us up and bring us comfort in our toughest moments and I have to believe that is exactly what he does for her after one of these episodes.

I’m still looking/waiting for the man to show up and take over instead the opposite seems to be happening. It’s like he’s packed his bags and left leaving behind an empty shell that I don’t know how to fill. In the meantime I’ve just stepped up and taken over where I left off from my days of single parenting. Amazing how old habits are quick to rise to the surface in a time of crisis. I am doing it all and although it is not how I wanted it to be it is working for now. The financial pressure is hard. I’ve been blessed with resources from unseeing places to cover the shortfalls and for that I am grateful but the pressure is still there especially with the mounting expenses of a senior in high school.  Juggling work, school, home and activities is overwhelming when thought about but manageable when taken one day at a time. It certainly doesn’t allow for time to wallow and feel sorry for one’s predicament as survival is the end goal.

How I feel. How you feel.  How we feel doesn’t matter. The reality is that this hurting everyone involved on some level and that needs to stop. The innocents in all of this (the children) shouldn’t be subject to adult conversations or thoughts. To include them is wrong. Having to justify my actions to God, my family and friends is one thing but having to justify myself to my kids is a whole other story especially when it is about me, my character and what you consider my flaws. I would never say anything about you that was derogatory or even out of character to them regarding you and our differences and for you to do that is just wrong. I don’t care how old they are this is between you and me. Please leave them out of it.

I want this to be as amicable as possible. I want us to accept that we both have faults and part ownership in the demise of this marriage but instead of getting caught up in the blame game we need to rise above it and move forward without all the minutia that currently seems to be flying about. I want to get out of the rut, change the music and hear the strains of something more pleasurable than what has been playing these past few months.

I am reminded by what my dad taught me growing up. If you have a problem with someone look in the mirror and what do you see – yourself obviously; and so the problem therein is with you not the other person. In this case he’s right. I’ve taken my feelings and externalized them onto my husband and that is totally wrong.

Granted he is not without fault but the only way to get beyond this is if I let go of all the negativism I’m holding against him and start seeing and treating him like he deserves to be treated. I have been very cynical and belittling to him not just in my behavior but by the tone of the words I have spewed upon him. My attitude has been that of a petulant child and I must grow up and see beyond the obvious. I need to make a concerted effort to see things as I want them to be not how they currently are. I need to support and love him unconditionally and not badger and blame him for everything that is going wrong. I must control my feelings instead of letting my feelings control me.

He got a second job last week and that should have made me happy but it didn’t. I was very indifferent about it and that is when I realized that nothing he does is going to satisfy me in this present state of mind. He is trying very hard to do the right thing but I am making it almost impossible for him as I keep raising the bar every time he comes close to making the mark.

I’m also comparing apples to oranges and have counted the poor guy out before he’s gotten up to bat.

Yes, he has his faults and because of some of his actions, which I’ve allowed, we are in a tough position but we didn’t get here over night and we won’t be able to get out of it over night but forward progress of any kind should be met with praise not degradation.

In my opinion, I’ve been a spoiled brat expecting one type of behavior from him while I continue to treat him any way I please. Thankfully he has allowed me to do so without uttering a word. He’s a much better person than I.  Although he doesn’t quite get what I’ve been going through he’s trying and that’s more than I can say. I’ve stopped trying on a deeper level and the past few months have been skimming the cream off the surface when the whole cup used to be cream when I was in the mix; on the same page with him and it was “Us” not “him” or “me”.  We are two ships passing in the night without any lights, destined to crash upon the rocks unless we start communicating on a very basic level of self and mutual respect.

My hope is that it’s not too late to change as I can’t go back and undo that which has been done. So today I’m making an extra effort to project the attitude and feelings I desire from him so that maybe in return I’ll get the same thing. Just maybe we’ll hit upon a spark of what we once had and these embers will rise and start to burn again.

As the needs of the household have changed we have not changed with it and therein lies a problem. We are a family. We love and care for each other. The kids love you and in their own way have a great amount of respect for you and your rules but like all kids they buck and turn every chance they get to test out the waters and see how much rope they have to hang themselves.

Unlike the kids I am struggling right now with a lot in our relationship. I love you and appreciate what you have accomplished but there is also a part of me that doesn’t like or respect you very much because of what you haven’t done in the two years you have been with us.

Please hear me out before getting upset and thinking you know what I’m going to say before it even gets said. Respect is defined as: “to feel or show honor or esteem for; hold in high regard / to consider or treat with deference or dutiful regard”

With that definition in mind I don’t feel or have the energy to show you honor or esteem. I don’t hold you in high regard or treat you with deference or dutiful regard. To me you are like one of the kids and that is not what I signed up for. Let me explain what I mean.

In the two years you have been with us you I feel like you have failed to step up to the plate and be the man in the family. You have continually pushed the kids and their issues off to me and thrown up your hands in frustration and disgust rather than taking the bull by the horns and standing firm. You have done this with me as well. I want a husband who is the head of the household not one that hides behind my skirt. I appreciate the support you give me that allows me to be gone from the house for work and other activities. Don’t get me wrong having you around the house to take care of things while I travel, work late, etc. is a burden off my shoulders. What adds more pressure to me is when you don’t keep the house clean, make the kids mind or make life easier for me without demanding something in return. We are two different people and we express ourselves in two different fashions. I will text you, email you or tell you thank you and feel like that is sufficient. You on the other hand allow your actions to speak for themselves and I’m not always good at reading you. I don’t need or want the “best” of things I just want a loving husband who is the head of his house. Has a good relationship with God, his children and extended family. I don’t want to have to “buy” your love and affection based on what I do or don’t give you. You are all I need not fancy expensive stuff. That has never interested me. The fact that you appreciate the finer things in life is fine but I can’t justify buying you those kind of things when we are struggling to make our daily needs met. That kind of pressure is weighing me down to my knees.

You’ve changed so much I don’t know who you are. You had so much drive and initiative when I first met you. Two jobs and helping out everyone you could. What happened? Did you get complacent staying home that now you can’t think beyond that? I want someone who makes it a point to find out the information if he doesn’t have it and to keep it fresh and in front of him. I shouldn’t be the only one fretting or worrying about our current financial situation. The idea of me even thinking about a second job should have been a major blow to your pride. It should have never been an option for me to even get to that point. The fact that I have supplemented the joint bank account and the savings account to the sum of $750 over the past year for overdrafts and money to take care of the basics has been burdensome. I was physically dealt a blow when I realized that you had made as little as you did last year but that we would incur a hit because taxes had not been taken out of your check. I thought about all the times you turned down working for others and just wanted to weep but instead I became angry and bitter towards you. I resent you for allowing us to struggle week after week and haven’t put forth a more rigorous attempt at finding another job. I don’t care what hours you work as long as it is a 40 regular with the appropriate taxes taken out. I need you to be helping build us up not keep us stagnant or wearing us down.

I understand in theory that you want to be home to make it easier for me but that is not happening. You aren’t engaging the kids, making sure homework is done and done properly like you did the first year. Essentially you’ve written them off and allowed them to overthrow you. I thought you were a better man than that. So instead of helping me you are burdening me to work all day and then come home and finish with the kids. How is that fair? How does that make life easier for me? I’m doing laundry, I’m packing lunches, I keep the hall bathroom clean and alternate between the homework room and the family room on Saturdays to clean on top of doing the other errands that need to be taken care of. How is this making my life easier? How is this supporting me? What are you getting out of being home? An opportunity to cook stuff, flip channels, draw pictures of the house, dream essentially but not put anything into motion or finishing it.

Yes, I’m still hung up on stuff being done half way; the shoe rack over the door that is still not bolted into place. The cabinet you put together but haven’t hung on the wall. Cleaning the man cave and making it a livable area in the house and keeping the garage area clean. I cringe when I go down to do the laundry. I detest that part of the house and am embarrassed beyond words to open the garage door for fear of someone seeing what a big pile of mess it is.

My facial expressions cause you to judge me quickly and I beg to differ that what you read on my face is not always true. Of late I have been stressed, mad or angry about things happening at home so there could be a scowl or two but I’m not always upset sometimes I’m emotionally and physically worn out but instead of you “reading” my face ask me how I am and then we won’t have an issue with you thinking one thing when it is actually another. If you ask me what’s wrong and I say nothing then it really is nothing at that moment. Meaning I’m not ready to discuss it and when I am I will. But pushing and reacting negatively drives me further away from you.

In the beginning I was more affectionate than I am now but I was also less stressed. I smiled easily and laughed often. Now I’m just there. My physical and mental state of mind overflows into the affectionate part of me. I am always available to you to take care of your needs but waiting for me to initiate intimacy will ultimately leave you frustrated as I am just not into that mode right now. My physical drive has slowed down a little as well. I am stating the facts. I don’t want to blame it on the meds but it could be an underlying issue again if you want it I’m not turning you down. That used to be a very enjoyable side of our relationship but as of late I find that you seem to struggle with making the overtures because you are waiting for me to do so.

Right now we are at a crossroad and we have to make some choices as to which way to go. Either we are going down the path together or we are going off into different directions. I’d like it to be together but if that is not what you have in mind please let me know. God is not a big part of you and me. I have my quiet time, I go to church, I read, study and pray by myself. In the beginning I said I thought we needed to pray together, study the word together and you pushed that aside. Now you don’t even go to church with us so Satan has put a wedge between the two of us and we have allowed it.

We are supposed to cleave unto each other but you are in your corner and I am in mine. If this continues I’m opting for out. I don’t need or want to do it alone but have you here as a roommate. Either we are together or we go separate. Maybe you need a break. Maybe going to NC to get a job and coming home on your days off is what we need right now. I don’t know or profess to have all the answers all I know is I want something different. I want the best from YOU, not what you can buy me as I try to give and do my best for you and the family.

We didn’t get here overnight and so we can’t realistically expect everything to change that quickly either but I know that we can make some immediate decisions to jumpstart things and the first is to put God first. Surrender unto him and what his word says a marriage is supposed to be like and secondly recommit to this marriage if that is what we want.

The communication must get better. Right now it’s not enough we need to get it together, ask questions, assume nothing and be respectful of our differing opinions. It’s alright to agree to disagree but we can’t keep rehashing the same things over and over. You’re going to be a husband and a dad or you’re not – I’m going to be a wife and mother or I’m not. We can’t keep straddling the fence like we have been.

Take all the time you need to read, reread and digest what I have had to say here. Please don’t get so offended that you don’t allow the spirit to minister to you as you read these words. They were not written to upset or offend you but to enlighten you to how I feel, where my head is at this time and what I feel like we need to do to move forward. Please don’t call me to discuss as this is a conversation meant to take place face to face.

I will let you have time to say whatever you want or need to say whether I like it or not. I know I’m not perfect and that you have your take on things and issues with me that you probably need to air out but please don’t let it be that blanket statement that I am selfish. I’m so over that and don’t appreciate it at all because my life is and never has been or will be all about me. Selfish as defined in the dictionary means: “concerned excessively or exclusively with oneself: seeking or concentrating on one’s own advantage, pleasure, or well-being without regard for others” Not even when I’ve been to the lowest depths of hells gates have I just thought about me otherwise I’d have been gone long time ago. But I have chosen to remain here for the sake of you, the kids, my family and friends so “selfish” is not what I am.

I love you and I love the possibility of what we can have. I’m not ready to throw it all away. I want to get to know you all over again. The one that courted me in the beginning. I want to be who I was when this relationship first started. I want us to walk hand in hand into the life God has laid out for us. How about you?

Sincerely,

Me

Do I love him; do I need or want him? Questions I don’t have an answer for at least not a black and white answer. I don’t know if I want to be married to him or anyone. I feel like I’m not the marrying kind. I’m so loaded down with baggage and issues well beyond the norm and I realize that this is a lot more than he bargained for even if he doesn’t admit it.

The kids are a source of great angst between us. He doesn’t feel that I am consistent with them and even though since I’ve been back I have remained vigilant with them and the behavioral expectation he’s still stuck in the past. I told him that I felt like i

The bottom line is I don’t respect my husband. I don’t like him. His lack of balls has made me resentful and ready to walk away. I can do badly all by myself.

My husband didn’t work last night. He overdrew the checking account. He put in a couple of applications on-line and he spent the day baking. On the bright side, if you could call it that, he was there when school called to say one of the children needed a change of clothes. But WTF am I supposed to do when I come home at night to him sitting on the couch playing video games with the kids and my house is a freaking mess?  I don’t work hard all day to come home and clean house, iron clothes or even fold them up. Is there no end to the madness?

My oldest daughter has major attitude because she isn’t doing well in one of her classes and so we took her phone away.  Blah blah blah blah blah…

The next to the oldest is only 10 going on 11 but wants to read books about subjects far more mature than her age. She wants to read stories about boys and love and relationships. But she’s only 10 and so every week when we go to the library we fight over what books she can or cannot check out. It’s draining and not very pleasant for either one of us so I’m ready to give up the library just because I don’t want this drama each week.

The other three have their petty differences which are fine and they just want my attention when I come home but I just don’t have the desire to give it to them. I want to go to my room and not be bothered. This makes me feel terrible. And when I look at it from another perspective I’m down right ashamed. Children are blessings and I have been tremendously blessed with these girls so I should just shut up my bellyaching and be thankful that I have kids to pluck my nerves; that love me unconditionally in the midst of all my mess and dig deep into the recesses of my heart and love them as they love me, spend time with them and not look at them as nuisances like I currently am.

Why do I feel like this? Money stresses and marital stresses have all but drained me and coupled with their neediness I don’t have anything left in reserve. My mother gene has gone on the fritz. I wonder do they have a “motherhood for dummies” book out that I can read and be miraculously fixed. Are there classes I can take to get my mothering mojo back? All I know is right now either everything around me is broke and needs to be fixed or it’s me that’s broken and I need to be fixed but I don’t know how or even where to begin.

I was going to put applications in at a couple of other places but decided no. I can’t do it. There is just no way I can work a second job while my husband sits at home and does nothing. So I didn’t. Instead I hung out in the cold giving them bonding time and me time to myself. I went to B&N and that is usually my relaxing station but it was just too busy and so I left fairly quickly and headed to my sister’s to pick up Sydney. In short order we were back at home and I spent the evening in the bedroom reading and flipping channels while he sat on the couch in the family room watching TV and doing stuff on the computer.

Syd and I went to church on Sunday. He cooked breakfast for us and had it waiting when we got home.  He’s trying to be attentive and I don’t know how to take it. I did see that he looked through the classifieds and was on a few job searching sites but nothing has been said between us about his situation. Saturday I did tell him I was still looking for a part-time job, where I had applied and places I was thinking of going while I was out.  No response from him yet again. He worked Sunday evening for four whole hours and came home griping about that.  I find it hard to be sympathetic when he complains because in my mind it’s such a piddly job that it doesn’t make any sense to get so wrapped up in something you don’t have any real investment in.

Monday we awoke to a cold house. We had run out of oil. I couldn’t understand how since we had just gotten a load less than three weeks ago to the tune of $332 only to find out he had been turning the heat up at night while we slept to 70 and 71 degrees. OMG I was furious. So we don’t have the washer, now we don’t have heat or hot water. We had to switch back to the hot water heater and use space heaters for now. I can order more oil on next Monday after I’ve paid off this balance. Prayerfully it won’t be too cold this week.

For all intents and purposes I’m still trying to work it out and make things work in the marriage. I have to give it my best shot and put a little more energy behind working things out with him; communicating although it seems to fall on deaf ears. Once I know I’ve given it my all then I can explore other options but right now I’ve just been avoiding things not really dealing with them and I need to sit down and be honest and frank with him about how I feel and what I expect. Once I’ve done that if nothing changes then I’ll feel like I have the right to say enough is enough cut my losses and move forward. He’s not working Thursday to Sunday so I’m sure I can find time during those few days to talk with him.